Exhaling
I'm so tired. Between work, school, and social skydiving I am more exhausted than I've been in a very long time. It's funny that it's also the most alive I've felt too.
My insight to socializing is that I look to explore everything I find interesting in the world. Too often fear guides me and I avoid everything, whether or not I truly want to. I've noticed that the only thing I've really been doing differently is allowing myself to look for and explore the people I find. I can't quite articulate it. It's a problem who's solution has been to focus more outward and less inward. Yeah I think that captures it as well as possible.Â
Anyway, today I had to face some of those fears I've been avoiding and I find that I'm still standing afterwards.
Facing Fears
Today on the morning bus I felt calm. My eyes were open to possibilities but not searching for them. On top of this, I was so exhausted it was difficult to muster energy for much anxiety. I sat alone a fair portion of the ride which I was admittedly a bit happy about since I was a little nervous. I took out a book to read (
How to Prove It, which is an awesome book btw) and kept my attention on it. Usually people sit down next to me more often when I'm absorbed in a book. They probably think I'm too busy to talk to them. HA. Suckers.
Finally a woman takes the bait. I look up just as she's approaching my seat we make eye contact and it just seems natural for her to sit so she does. Odd how things like that play out, huh? She had nothing to do except to stare straight ahead and I sat waiting for something interesting to occur.
There was a man sitting with a woman directly across from the two of us. As the bus pulled up to the next stop the man stood up and began to walk towards the exit, leaving behind a baseball cap. Now mind you, he's already got one on his head to boot. The woman left behind in the seat is just looking at the hat somewhat perplexed and calls out to him "Sir! Is this your hat?" He walks a pace or two towards her to try to understand what she's asking.. says no, he's wearing his hat.
So now I'm confused. He was sitting on a baseball cap the whole time he was on the bus? You'd think he'd have moved it or mentioned it to the woman before he sat on it in case it was hers. But maybe I'm crazy, I start thinking… Until a woman passenger walks up to the seat to claim the open space and rest a bit. Before she can even sit down though, she notices the hat and asks the woman still sitting if it's hers! So now I KNOW that guy just had no nerve endings or something.
This whole time the woman sitting next to me is just as intrigued as I am in the goings on. So I ask her "So was that guy just sitting on that hat the whole time he's been on the bus or what?" Her reply was "Heh." and an unflinching gaze straight ahead of her. I'm a bit shocked as I haven't ran into such a reaction during this whole experiment. Unsure how to take it, I take it as a signal to STFU and do so accordingly.
Looking Back on It
In hindsight, I may have taken her reaction the wrong way. I should have clarified with her that she was preoccupied just to be sure I wasn't wussing out. But I kinda was.Â
I reopened my book and let her alone. It was a mixed blessing as I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. Then again, it's possible that I sealed my own fate and got back what I was giving. I accept that I was probably in the wrong frame of mind to be at this. Either way I'm glad I stuck to it.
I had other interactions today that were much more positive but this is the important one that will stick with me. This is my first more blatant rejection and it really didn't hurt. It was akin to going to the dentist. Yeah, I'd prefer to not have anyone screw with my teeth and drill holes but the pain is momentary and the benefits are life long.
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
02.Jul.09 
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Today's Interaction
My one social interaction for the day was on my way home. Not really much to mention. I mean it lasted for a long time, but I've found a pretty simple way to meet people and say "Hi" based on yesterday's thoughts and everyone's comments. It basically amounts to me actively looking for someone I think may be interesting and when I find them just start talking to them about what I find interesting. It still takes a some work to ask people but it seems like the best interactions are mutually beneficial as Trevor Rotzien and Recycled Electron said/alluded to.
A Buddhist centric idea that I think applies here is to strive to look at the world as a child would. Constraints on behavior, fears, even angers are so much more of responses to exterior hardening situations. I've been trying to enable myself (through all of the ideas I've previously discussed) to walk down the street, not with confidence, but without fear. Men, women, whatever, I look directly in the eye and I've been experimenting with looking as long as I feel the need to. Now I do realize that publicly looking a woman up and down can be considered poor form. That's why we call it an experiment and not a recommended life practice.
Keeping that in mind, today on my way home on the bus a guy was scratching a lotto ticket that looked like a crossword. My interest was piqued so I asked him about what he was doing. I hesitated a smidgen but I belayed my fears by remembering the idea of complimenting him by showing interest and also by emulating the thought of a child. Forget about feeling stupid. This is interesting so I will ask. Soon he told me about that lotto scratcher and so much more!Â
I guess he finds lotto tickets in the trash and cashes in the winners that people mistakenly discard. He showed me how you can quickly tell if the ticket is a winner (though I've already forgotten) and he gave me a great idea for meeting more people in the future. He at first asked me if I was even somewhat of a "part-time thespian". I told him no and laughed. At some point in the discussion he talked about going to his local community theater and trying out for the lead role and getting it. Pretty cool and it makes sense because this guy carried the conversation with very little prompting from me. If there's any one who can carry a monologue it is him!Â
He carried on regarding his past experiences as a psychic until he got so weirded out that he self-induced a "shut down". Basically, he blocked his access to his abilities. I guess he didn't feel as though he completely understood it (which I could relate to) because he said that that was how a self-proclaimed witch explained it to him. I'm not going to judge, especially on a blog like this that is aimed at personal growth. I will, however, judge in private so if you know me be on the look out for a private message about this soon! ;D
My Takeaways
At any rate, I had never really considered community theater but I think it's an excellent way to expand myself a little more and do something even more humbling/humiliating than this! It's amazing how much can be gained by talking to random people.
This idea of a kind of objectivist "selfishness" or self actualized confidence of pursuing what you want seems like it might really hold some water. For me it comes down to talking because I'm interested, as opposed to self-interested. Once you feel like you are giving (your time, interest, etc) as well as receiving (someone else's time, their experiences, etc) then you have an exchange and that's a conversation is really. Swapping my experiences and interest for your own. Now if only it was considered polite to directly address that you're not interested in communicating with certain people… ;D
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
01.Jul.09 Coding Comments (0)
Hello Mrs. Woman!
I met a woman on the bus today. Asked her where she was off to and discussed where she worked and what she does. She took out her headphones and started talking to me. So. Right off the bat embarassing. There's no way in hell I would've asked her had I seen the headphones in her ears. So I apologize, she says no biggie and answers my questions. Turns out she's an accountant for a cancer research institute. She's been there for a couple of years and really likes the people she works with. Pretty cool! She left an ear bud in though, which, in my mind, totally signals "STFU! I wanna keep listening to my t00nz." So I wrap up apologize again and let her go about her merry way.Â
Pfft. I teach her a lesson by putting MY headphones in. That'll learn her.
As she's getting ready to get off at her bus stop I see her ring finger and what'd'ya know! She's a married one. So I accidentally discovered what a rejection feels like. It's not terrible. I'd even say I could handle more of those if I weren't a terminal narcissist.
I felt really dumb for talking to her. I felt so embarrassed like she had much better things to do and like I wasn't really worth her time to talk to. Instead I'm trying to realize I should be proud of the time of mine that I give to people. It's my time that I could be spending on other things but instead I am choosing to talk to someone. As I've said before, extroversion can really be seen as a gift of time investment in someone. Given that time is the most precious resource in our lives, it follows that giving someone your time is really the most valuable gift you can give them. I devalue this gift when I devalue myself which leads me to…
Today's Epiphany
Â
One of my friends talked to me when I first started this and warned me to make sure I'm not just focusing on my social interaction but on my fears in general. I've given a lot of thought to that and today made a kind of realization because of that. Turns out I've realized that I put WAY too much effort into considering people on a day to day basis. This in turn means that I am taking way too much responsibility for the people around me.
I should be able to use rejection as a tool to tell me when to stop talking, not as a measurement system for how good of a mind reader (ie. person) I am.
Now, having said that, I've also realized that some of my pain with starting a conversation from a cold start is that the conversation seems worthless. If I plan on having a conversation with someone *just* so I can improve my socializing, that's a fairly lopsided and uneven goal. I'm mooching someone's time from them. Instead I should have a purpose. I should be making people laugh or helping them or something. I won't worry too much about this for now, but that realization has helped me realize why certain discussions are so hard for me to ice break while others can happen so naturally.
As I've been thinking about things from this more selfish stance, it's really helped. I think it can be dangerous but really when it comes down to it, as I said on
Day 3, I can't read minds and the expectation that I have for myself to do just that is a big part of what is making this so difficult. I suspect that if I can get rejection to read more like a message of someone being unavailable that I will more readily seek it out. I mean how many times have you asked a group of people for a pencil or spare change? It doesn't hurt my feelings when someone says no to those requests. I think the main reason why is because I'm not leaving it up to them to make a value judgement as to whether or not or how much I *need* the pencil or spare change, instead I am leaving it up to them to decide whether or not they want to make it available to me.
Hmm.. There's a tasty morsel of social knowledge goodness in that thought I think. I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it plays out!
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
30.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
Hard Times
Things are bad. Elevated heart rate, shortness of breath, dry mouth, and a headache. Everything went well today though. I achieved my socialization goal a couple of times over. I even made some progress on getting to know another person in my company. Given that what could be so tough? In a word: School. Today was my first day back at school and oh my gd talk about social anxiety.
First lemme go over the first part of the day and then we'll discuss school a bit.
Off to a Good Start
Right off the bat, I get to socialize with a woman before my bus arrives. We talk a bit, she asks if I'm on my way to school because of the large black backpack I'm wielding. I would of course be going to school later but for now it's just filled with miscellaneous nerdy bric-a-brac (Kindle, iPhone, programming books, etc). So I tell her nope! No school, just on my way to work in downtown Seattle.Â
I actually initiated contact with her by saying hi as I walked past her as I was approaching where she was standing at my bus stop. Then she went to check the bus schedule that was right by me and I made some comment. I think I might've asked her if she'd been waiting a while already. She said yeah and sounded a lil concerned. I tried to comfort her a bit and said that the bus was probably going to be here any moment. The whole time I'm feeling like my will power to keep talking is being scrubbed against sand paper. Every word is a struggle that pains me. FInally the conversation dies.
After talking to her I boarded the bus and headed off towards work. I avoided eye contact with just about everyone. Another fail in my eyes. Something *BIG* needs to happen this week to rattle my cage and spur some serious improvement. After only a week I feel stagnant once again. Although, on a positive note, I'm feeling stagnantly comfy at very high social comfort level. I mean just talking to people even when I had an ice breaker was impossible before so it's still progress. I guess I'm just greedy and excited. I'm aiming to feel exhilarated and pressured all month long. I really feel as though I could be doing better.
Expanding My Comfort Zone at Work
At work in the break room I'm able to strike up a short lived conversation with a woman making herself lunch. I forget what exactly we talked about…. oh YEAH! I noticed she was literally freshly slicing and chopping vegetables for a salad so I commented that that looked really fresh and tasty. Then, of course, I breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally able to push the words out. More chit chat ensued. It's always easier after that initial bit of conversation but it's always at least a little difficult.Â
I remember the way it ended too. I said something, half jokingly, and she must not have heard me but even so it froze me all the same. I decided to stop talking and that really sucked. I'm tired of freezing and seizing. I'm going to come up with an action plan. Mark my words. This crap ain't over.
School's In for the Summer
Back to the nervousness and physical hell I was describing earlier. Today was my first day back at school. I was sociable but frightened like a little mouse. I gave myself a little goal of asking some guys about how to get a parking permit. I was pretty loud about because forcing the words out of my mouth were akin to dropping a bowling ball on a plate glass window. Pfft. Anyway, my final social interaction for the day was proactively offering to copy some page long assignment description off the board for some people who couldn't see it.Â
Graciousness, right? It's much easier to talk to people when you feel as though you're doing something to help them. Ironically, however, it's still harder than hell for me. It took me several glances to even offer it.
Anyway I'm tired. I wrote 75% of this post during class on a piece of paper during our break. Oh yeah! Also I had a run in with another cute girl on the bus who decided to sit with me on the way home. I totally flubbed it. Didn't talk to her at all and then when she asked me if I was getting off at a certain stop (because I motioned as though I was) I forced out a no that sounded almost like a scream. **palm to face** This has got to get easier at some point right?
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
29.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
Welcome to another episode of "Watch Justin be a Nervous Wreck"!
Regardless of how good I do on a day to day basis I've realized that one thing this whole experiment has accomplished is giving me a reason to get out and socialize daily and something even more than that. There's no more full day gaming or coding marathons. There's no laying on the couch and napping all day long. There's just me and this enormous goal every day. The first moment of the day I think how much I hate having to do what I'm going to have to do. A cramping, twisting, knot in my gut that pulls on my throat. It's immediately followed by a sense of exhilaration because I know that that feeling means today's going to be a great day.
I wake up get scared, get excited, then I go out still excited, see someone to talk to, get scared again, mumble a lil something at them in the hopes they latch on like a conversational vampire, and if they don't I kick dirt and have to mumble at someone else. It's totally fun and I hope to stumble my way through many more encounters!
The Dog Park (Killing Two Birds with One Stone)
Normally my Sundays are lazy days. I stay home, play a game or two, code a bit, play around with the dog lightly, etc. I already knew a few days in advance that I couldn't do that this Sunday. I knew if I just stayed home, I wouldn't have a chance to talk to anyone new. I thought for a moment if that might make for a good enough excuse… nah, it was too lame for even me. Dammit.
So I got ready, fed Blacky (my dog) and gave her a bath and we got the hell outta here. There's a dog park at 59th and Aurora here in Seattle but when we stopped by it was not the happening place to be. This place was so exciting there was a couple in lawn chairs in the parking lot. They weren't even in the PARK! pfft. F that. So we went to a dog park we used to go to all the time on Mercer Island.
Much nicer. They just recently rebuilt the whole off leash area so that the dogs are actually fenced in now. It used to be kind of like coral fencing such that dogs could run away if you didn't keep a close eye on them. Guess they originally figured y'know how many dogs ever run away from their owner? ahem. Anyways.
So yeah we get there and there are a few dogs running into the lake fetching the toys their owners have thrown. Within seconds of entering the main off leash area Blacky has her hackles up and is snapping at another dog. *palm to face* This is embarrassing. Unfortunately this is the kind of embarrassing that is really supposed to be embarrassing. There're no mind tricks on this one. She gets aggressive and domineering and that's a direct reflection on me.
I get pissed off at her and pull her away from the people walking their dogs out of the place. I don't make eye contact or anything. I chose to skip that interaction and move on to something easier.
Falls in My Lap
My first interaction just fell in my lap. Some women just came up and asked me if there was a small dog section. Totally easy, the ice was broken and we talked on and off regarding their dogs and mine the rest of the time they're there. One of their dogs was really funny. I'd throw Blacky's ball in the lake and she'd go to get it but when she'd come back this little dog about the size of a small pug (with similar look to a pug but with a larger head and pointy ears) would make her drop it in the water. Then the dog would dunk it's entire head under water while trying to grab the ball. It was totally superfluous and really funny to watch.
Anyway, so that happened and I played with Blacky for a bit and then I started a convo with this guy regarding his dog. He would throw the ball pretty damn far out into the lake and the dog would swim out to get it. I mean I've seen other dogs do this but it always frickin' amazes me! Anyway, I've never talked to any of the people who do that before because I'm an introverted wierdo (like many of you! ;D).
I see the guy standing there. He's got a tennis racket so he can lob the dog's play ball into the lake farther. I'm kinda like gritting my teeth thinking about how to start up a talk. I finally just figure to ask him. Totally brilliant outside the bos thinking eh? Just ask! I should put a little tip jar on this blog for all of these magnificent thoughts…!
So I asked him how he trained his dog to do that. He said his dog just does it and so I told him that's really weird and cool at the same time. He said he was impressed with Blacky for going out in the lake which surprised me cuz she doesn't like to go deep enough that she has to swim (one day I'll go to the park in shorts and we'll fix that). But yeah we said a couple other things then I let the convo die and I moved around.
Later on I talked to another woman. She was curious what kind of mutt Blacky was. Always an interesting question because Blacky looks like no specific dog. She's supposed to be a Collie/Australian Shepard mix but I think that's bullocks. The woman half bought that she's a collie something mix. **shrug** Small talk, yada yada yada… nothing big. But I talked, conversed. Good times.
Guy in Elevator with Cross Dressing Dog
My last interaction of the day was in the elevator at my apartment building. I was in the elevator and this guy had some sort of a poodle. You know the kind, beautiful ringlets of soft glistening curls. It walked over to me so I pet it and commented to the guy how soft her hair was. He kind of chuckles and agrees and then corrects me and says his dog is a male. He's all "That happens a lot though." I say, "Well he's got a very feminine hair style!" He kind of chuckles and agrees though it felt a bit like he might be gritting his teeth.
That was the most fun convo for the day.
RE: Goals and Suggestions
So I had a few good suggestions yesterday for my next goals. Thanks to everyone who suggested!
So these are my revised goals:
- Always sit next to the most intimidating person on the bus, whether it be due to attractiveness or utter ghetto fear (you know what I'm saying if you've ridden the bus on Aurora!)
- Start a conversation with no apparent ice breaker in sight. Use the common thread of human experience to relate to people.
- Make an effort to get to know other people in my company.
- Next time a conversation with an attractive woman is going well get a number.
That's all until tomorrow! Tomorrow I start school by the way, so bare with me while I attempt to figure out how to juggle these posts with school and homework! Hehe… *gulp*
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
28.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
My Brothers!
Today I went to my monthly Alt.NET meeting. These meetings typically consist of fellow code monkeys and i geeking out on talking about coding and designing code. I was counting on there being at least one new person there that I could talk to. I was not disappointed.
Maybe I'm alone here but to me it is *much* easier to talk to strangers when your friends are already talking to them. I mean you can basically just ride on their coat tails right? You're friend makes a funny joke and the stranger laughs well now you laugh and BAM! You're a part of the conversation. Well technically right? I mean that is pretty cheap but if that's better than you normally do then good for you! Keep makin those baby steps and it'll be so easy that you think it's cheap in no time. By the way, no time may be equivalent to a year or two given my track record but still! It won't get better until you decide to take the first step.
Ok so I'm saying all of this because this is basically what I walked into when I arrived at the meeting today. I know most of the people and so the three or four people I didn't know were just way too easy to talk to. Someone asked me if I was doing my social skydiving for the day (since they must see my daily tweets that shout out when the latest blog post is done). I told the whole group, "You know what, if I don't know you expect to be a part of my social skydiving experiment!" I was totally serious since I really felt the need to push myself a little more than I had so far today.Â
Social Cliques
At lunch we all walked to a local sandwich shop and sat down to eat. I decided to sit near one end of the table and was one of the first to sit down. As it turned out most of the people I knew clumped around me, which made sense. We're all comfortable with one another and it's great to just have an easy chat. Before my food arrived at the table however I knew this wasn't going to work for me. Not this month.Â
I noticed most of the new guys were sitting at the other end of the table and there was a spot I could occupy. I wanted to earn my wings for the day so I made the decision to move and start up a conversation on that end of the table. This has always been painful for me. I've had to work my ass off in order to really get to know these people and be able to have this comfortable lunch and discussion. That's like the prize for having friends right? Being able to dig a rut for yourself and stop having to put yourself out there? That's how I used to view it but I'm thinking that's gonna be changing after this whole experiment is "over".
So I get up and a lil nervously walk over to the other side of the table, reminding myself that no one can read my mind. That if I decide to move across the table to sit next to someone and talk to them, then its very easy to take that as a compliment that I want to get to know that person better. In my mind, that's what it is in fact.Â
So I sit down next to this guy at the far end of the table… and I would totally call out his name but I suck with names! I know he lives in Everett and rides the train in every day. Oh well maybe I shouldn't be identifying people anyway! 
So I sit next to this guy and ask him how he's doing. Typical small talk, "Good." "Good." "Where do you work" "I work at …" "What do they do?" "They do…" yadayadayadayadayadayada. No offense to him at all! I mean this is small talk! By definition this is all inconsequential blabber. For those of you who don't know how to make small talk you are SO not alone! I mean it's SO pointless. I'm not going to learn much about you at all from talking small. The point of it that I've learned though is that it's a way of feeling someone out. What are their interests? What do they enjoy? Is there anything this person might be able to share with me that will help me grow? Do they do anything fun I'd like to be a part of? Etc.
Finally we get on the subject of Atlas Shrugged. I just read this book and so I've been seeing a lot of what Ayn Rand discusses in the book just all over the place. It's been an awesome perspective to consider. I'm not really sure what got us on the subject… I probably just brought it up since I've been obsessed with the damn thing for a while now.Â
I should probably also point out that discussions like the one I was about to have are NOT typically small talk. Atlas Shrugged has some fairly controversial views on Capitalism, Buddhism, religion, homelessness, and many other things. The same way you should avoid politics and religion as topics of conversation so should you avoid discussing this book! It can quite often lead to a heated discussion over how cold you are to even consider alternate points of view. Beware.
Our talk wasn't like this however. I think as much credit as I might deserve this guy deserves twice that for I'm sure he was doing his own deft maneuvering during the discussion to keep it interesting yet not explosive. I didn't actually realize the risk I was taking until sitting down right now to type this. **shrugs** By gones.
We had a solid discussion and I know feel very much at ease with discussing things with him in the future.
Goals for Tomorrow
Tomorrow I'm planning on taking my dog to the dog park. There should be plenty of opportunities to talk to many people while I'm there. I'm thinking I'd like to have a nice long conversation like I did at lunch today but of course away from the comfort of my friends. That will make it more difficult but it's definitely very much a possibility.
I'm trying to think about what I can do to raise the bar on my goal setting since this is starting to seem a little too easy (ie. no more cold sweats). We'll see how tomorrow goes. If it's another fairly chill day where I easily accomplish my goal I'll be looking for suggestions on what I can do to up the ante. I've been racking my brain and it's difficult to think of goals that aren't too large or too small.
Heck! I'll even take your goal suggestions right now. If you can think of any kind of goal that you think would be a challenge I'd love you to post a comment so I take them into consideration and find the best idea that suits me.
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
27.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
What a Day!
Wow day four! I'm really surprised that I made it through this week with so much progress. After getting back on the social bandwagon for the day and learning from yesterday's mistakes I have a renewed energy. I'm sure that's due, in part at least, to the supportive feedback I've been getting from everyone. So thank you for everyone who's commented be it via posted comments, IM, Twitter, etc.
I'm going to go over the happ's from today and then I want to talk a bit about some things I've discovered about myself partly on my own and partly due to the comments of an old friend.
Psyching Myself Out First Thing in the Morning
I woke up this morning extra early without the jarring of my alarm clock. That always makes me feel refreshed and alive. An early morning where I wake myself. The air is crisp, the sun is beautiful, and, for once, the sky is clear (ish). As I inhale I can see the beautifully lush green trees on the scent of the breeze and my mind is crystal clear, like a still lake amidst it all. The view is vivid in my mind. A couple drops fall from the sky. A marvelous assortment of shapes form in the once still water as the droplets begin to cascade upon the lake. I love the rain and I whole-heartedly enjoy this. The water is beginning to churn, however. Frothy waves lick at the sky and disturb the air with their hissing. Like whips cracking against the now black night, the fearful masters demand the attention of their slave. Eventually I look up to find it isn't the rain that has fallen, but the sunny sky. Though but crumbles at first, those crumbles gained the momentum to shift ever larger shards from their place eventually leading to the entire destruction of my peace and quiet.
I lost track of my mind. I left myself to get so caught up in the excitement and hope I had for the day that I lost sight of my purpose. A man on a mission but without purpose can only seek chaos. I remembered how I felt the night before and stood my ground.
I repaired the sky with a few simple words. "Talking is a compliment." The waves calmed as though I had pierced the heart of the storm and let in the light of the sun with that very same stroke. Some of the larger pieces needed a bit more repair. I was able to heal them with the words "The worst case is a compliment is given. In the best case a compliment is received."
I'm done with that departure from my normally less eccentric style. I wanted to illustrate how I normally lose my mindfulness and simultaneously my control over my fears. Normally it starts with a day dream rooted in confidence and strength but then a lil tear in the seams happens except that it doesn't seem like a terrible thing… just different. I actually enjoy letting my thinking get away from me, fantasizing about everything I'll do with my new found powers of interpersonal communication. All of this fantasizing though, it ends up defeating me in the end. Rather than getting anxious for what I will be and thus deprecating the person I am now, I should be appreciative of myself. Understanding of the gentle balance that exists within my personality. To change one thing is to change everything about me as I am a whole and no one part of me is perfectly modular from the rest by definition.Â
Rather than wish I am someone different and causing turmoil, I can seek to balance myself. They seem the same but there is a subtle difference the likes of plastic surgery versus combing my hair and dressing nicely. One is a potentially invasive and biologically jarring manipulation of my body and the other is a matter of hygiene and grooming.
Yeah it was a REALLY heavy morning but I finally got my head out of the clouds and into repeating those two phrases to myself. It helped me feel much better through out the day.
Part of the late for the bus crew
After making it through the morning and getting ready for work early I left the house and headed for the bus. I had forgot something (ironically I forget what) and thought for a moment about turning back to get it. I think I left my house at around 7am-ish and knew that the bus should be to the stop any time now and I didn't want to miss it because then I'd have to wait another ten minutes. I mean I'm excited to start the day! Let's go, y'know? So I decide F that and rush my lil tookas down the stairs and out the car port.
I get about a 1/4 of the way there and I see the bus flying past me. DOH. So I'm forming a strategy, do I run do I saunter? No point in running if I'm going to miss it. Also, if I run the bus driver might wait extra long and delay the people inside which wouldn't be fair. So I saunter.Â
A second later I see some other guy running for the bus… I think that he *might* delay the bus enough that'd it be worth my running… Then a second guy is dashing across the street trying to make the bus! Now I've gotta bolt! So I run like hell and catch the bus. Everyone inside is laughing and a few people comment that they knew we'd all make it. Needless to say this was a pretty easy environment to get some talks going in.Â
Really I didn't have to do much which felt a lil cheap but I was happy to get today's goal out the way so easily when yesterday's was so painful. The guy who had ran across the street was a major talker! At one point he stopped talking so I told him "If it weren't for you I wouldn't have made it." That sets him off talking for almost the entirety of his bus ride! He's talking to everyone joking, cutting people off… BTW I love people who commandeer the conversation when I feel like not talking. It's awesome to just put myself in autopilot and let them lead the way. I nod my head and laugh a few times to remain an active part of the group and finally when he dies down we all have had a pretty good time.
My Mindset
I'm feeling awesome at this point. After the crap I went through yesterday today was a breeze. I'm ready to talk to anybody. As I walk through the streets I find myself looking at other people half-expectantly and half-challenging. "I dare you to talk to me! You'll enjoy it MOFO!" I see attractive women and I'm not afraid to look at them and lock eyes.
Anything more than that frightens me however, so I might seem semi-stalker like. **shrugs** Baby steps.
Cute Chick at the Elevator
Then on my way to get lunch I see this cute chick waiting for the elevator.Â
I had a lil butterfly in my stomach honestly but I worked through it with the help of that book I got last night and a couple of others that I perused at the book store. I remembered that she doesn't know that I'm nervous. No one can tell! Just don't pee in your pants or vomit, those are dead give-aways (I've heard!). I'm remembering I can't assume they know what I'm thinking and I shouldn't assume I know what they're thinking. If a woman walks up to you and talks to you I guarantee you're not thinking she's shy. If she talks a lil weird I would bet that most of us would be so damn flattered we wouldn't even notice (might even think it was a bit cute). Even if I wasn't interested in the woman I wouldn't think less of her. You know why? Because all she did was give me a compliment. She flattered my ego. I'm thinking "Thanks babe!" not "How lame!"Â
Anyway-
She's not exactly a stranger. I've seen around as long as I've worked here but usually my talking consists mainly of noises and drool. I'm joking of course but not by much. There was actually one time where an elevator door opening with her on the other side so unexpectedly left me stuttering and blushing and trying to form a cohesive sentence. I was on the phone at the time and I was literally so flustered that I forgot that I had my ear bud in and just stuttered while trying to form cohesive sentences.Â
Now contrast that to me calmly and cooly asking her "You going to lunch now?" she says yeah, asks the same of me. I say "Yeah! I'm friggin hungry!" she chuckles and asks where Im going to eat and I tell her I'm going to this certain sandwich shop. We both try to think of the name but can't do it. I say, Â "I don't what their name is but they make great sandwiches. I'm so hungry." I ask her where she's gonna eat or if she's just gonna go for a walk. She says she's gonna go sit outside. I say it sounds like a good idea, and that it's really nice when the sun is out. She agrees but she's not sure if the sun is out right now. I tell emphatically and kinda goofily tell her I think it is but I'm not sure since I basically have to stick my head out the window and look through my boss' door to see the window. She laughs a lil more and by this time other people have got on the elevator and in between us so the convo is essentially dead. Also, I think she might be married (I *think* I saw a ring once) so I tend to not want to tread on that.
Overall though, this was awesome.Â
A Little Honesty
I realized I have a kind of mild form of Social Anxiety Disorder yesterday while at the book store. I think I wrote that in yesterday's post… Anyway, one of the elements of this is a tendency to be self-absorbed. I am totally self-absorbed. The only reason why my friends *might* not think that is that I try VERY hard to compensate.
But I mean really think about it. If I walk into a crowded room I instantly feel uncomfortable like all of the attention is focused on me. Is that really a fear or is it a narcissistic lust for popularity disguised as a fear? I think they are two extreme manifestations of the same internal disease. How do you solve it? I dunno! I have the same problem!
I think that's more of a personal thing for you to decide. My focus is on more of a Buddhist approach. I see the issue as really being an overemphasis on blaming external stimuli on what I perceive as the problems with the world. IMO, what it really is is my own lack of desire to accept reality as is and my insistence on rationalizing my desires on top of reality and causing torment through this attachment to my fantasy. Ultimately, it's about balancing perfectly on the head of a pin and the only to get there is to first realize that you're on the head of a pin and then realize that you are human and that you cannot do that perfectly.
For me, I find this rings true as I feel like I'm at my strongest when I'm not trying to take attention or get conversation from anyone. I am at my best when I feel as though I am giving a compliment and taking time to be kind. It's a mind trick but the difference between the two is stark for me. When I am trying to take I am being needy and I am weak due to my reliance on this external dependency (needing social acceptance). When I am giving, I am strong and centered because I can keep myself afloat while helping others as well.
Hopefully that whole thing makes some sense. I'm not editing this. As I've said before, I write one of these every day and it already takes an hour or two as it is. I can clarify in the comments if need be.
See you all tomorrow!
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
26.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
In a Word: FAIL
Today I failed. Not because I was rejected by someone but because I rejected myself. I think everything had been going so good that I kind of built up my expectations for today and made them nigh insurmountable. I tried a couple times to talk to a couple people and both were false starts. Well here… we'll start from the beginning of the day.Â
Strike One: Cop Out
So another day of bus riding another person sits next to me. The twist this time is that they aren't sending out the social vibe. Headphones on and she's reading a book. I've got my book too so I'm just reading through it and then she does something unexpected. Out of the blue she takes her headphones off. Clear indication that she might be willing to talk/might even want to right? I *should* have asked her what she was listening to. Shoulda woulda coulda FAIL.Â
So I sit there reading my book trying so hard to think of something to say. I see that she's reading about the current economic crisis but I've got nothing. I'm feeling like a dull twit. At this point I'm trying to convince myself that if there's no ice breaker it's because she isn't interesting enough. Lies all lies I know. But I lie to myself long enough to whittle away the trip and miss a pretty good opportunity. She gets off the bus and I miss what will turn out to be my best opportunity for a conversation all day.
I didn't make any move to talk to anyone else until I got on the bus to come home. Â Â
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Strike Two: Too Busy and Too Cute
So the one goal that I did manage to accomplish for the day was to sit next to the most attractive person on the bus even if there were other seats available. Honestly, this is a pretty big deal for me. I'm happy with my progress here and it showed me that it isn't a big deal at all. Helped to humanize her a bit.
Not enough however. When I first sit down next to her she's on the phone and has some papers out. She seems as though she's talking to her boyfriend or friend about something personal since she quiets down once I sit down. When she gets off the phone I look at her and say sorry for intruding and that I hope I didn't invade her space. She's says it's cool it doesn't bother her and that's that.
Yeah I let it stand there. No follow up. When it's finally her stop, she gets off the bus and heads along to where ever it is she's going.Â
What stopped me from doing well here? I felt very negative towards myself and just imagined all the worst things she might think about me if I were to try and talk to her, especially now that I know she has a boyfriend. I felt way too guilty and ashamed. That's what did me in. We'll talk more on this later on.
Strike Three: No Hablo Ingles
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So still on the bus on my way home and this big guy who looks Mexican sits next to me. He's huge (muscular not the flabby kind). I'm afraid if I piss him off he'll snap me in to with just his glare. Ultimately I decide, screw it I'm gonna try to start a conversation here. I tell him, his bracelet is cool and ask him where he got it. He looked at me like I tried to swipe it from off his arm and said "huh?" And I said "Your bracelet, where'd you get it?" He says it's from Honduras (no doubt where he is from too). Then I think he said something about being a tourist but really he might've just repeated Honduras again. I don't know and by this time I was not about to struggle through a conversation with someone who doesn't even speak english.
Take Aways
That's where I stopped. I went to the bookstore with the intent of talking to someone but by then I was just gripped with way too much fear to make any real progress. I ended up finding what seems like it will be a pretty good book for me. It's on anxiety and covers Social Anxiety Disorder as well.
What's awesome about this book is the author has you make a list of your perceptions of what's going on in a social situation and then he has you list what is the rational perception. Here's a quick example.
Where I fear introducing myself to someone because I feel like I need to be entertaining and not boring a rational perspective might be, he/she will probably just appreciate someone taking an interest in them.
There's a whole list of these and they had me laughing at how ridiculous I am for being so overtly negative about myself. If someone thinks I'm a freak for talking to them and being attracted to them, WTH does that say about them!? I think it's important to remember that if someone does think you're flirting (whether or not you really are) the worst thing they could rationally think is to take it as a compliment. I don't have a hard time complimenting anyone any other time. Why should I here?
Then there's that nagging fear of rejection right? Other people seeing someone else turn you away. Think about how you feel about someone who handles rejection gracefully. I'm just impressed because I wish I would've had the gusto to do the same thing he did!
I'll be reading this new book and keeping this all in mind tomorrow. Â
One Last Thing
I know I started this post off by saying I failed, but that isn't really the case. What really happened today is that anyone reading this who thought I was doing so well there is no way I'm an introvert, you now know that's wrong. If everyday was a success I wouldn't need an intensive goal like this to make a change. I would already have been doing this and every day I'd have my goal done and I wouldn't be the least bit stressed about it.
Honestly, this is *very* hard for me. I am stressed out every morning when I wake up and every night before bed. Worse yet, I know that whatever happens I'm going to blog it that same day. Worse still, I've got no time to edit these posts since I have to do one a day, so there's even some social anxiety regarding my writing style and skills to all of you. By all of you I'm referring to the 500 or so unique visitors to just yesterday's article alone. It's like social anxiety squared.
Given all of that, I know that I'm making great progress and I still feel like this will be a positively life altering experience. I'm anxious for what tomorrow brings and I'm working really hard to make that anxiety into excitement. :)Â
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
25.Jun.09 Coding Comment (1)
Not So Great a Start to the Day
I'm actually trying to embarrass myself I swear, though I could totally be trying harder so I promise I will. Today was another day where I set out to meet my social skydiving goal thinking once again it would be a socially awkward henceforth derided day that would give me the excuse I need to remain an introvert and forget about talking to people altogether. I would very much love the excuse to eliminate that stress from my life. Funny thing happened though…
Today was even better. How so? Attractive woman and longer talk. Here's the overview:
So I'm on the bus today. My bus driver I swear to god was either getting lost, not sure what his next stop was, or wasn't sure when to leave or something. Anyway, this meant that every time we stopped to pick up people it was an extended stop. Seriously, at one point he got up and picked up one of the brochures for riders for the route so he could figure out WTH is going on! As sure as I was that I was going to be late to work, I somehow wasn't. But I digress.
So one stop we made we sat there for like 2-3 minutes which is hellishly long for an "Express" bus with no one getting on it. Some women who are late catch the bus. As they're passing my seat one of them yells back to the bus driver that she's gonna come swipe her card. I look back at her and tell her the card reader isn't working anyway. She looks at me and smiles like she heard me (she didn't) sits down, and I got nothing left for a good conversation. Meh on that one. Thinking my one convo opportunity on the bus is passed I open my book (which kicks ass btw) and start my reading.
So the bus driver is STILL WAITING. He's just sitting there. STARING. AT. THE. SCHEDULE. BROCHURE. :DÂ
To be fair, maybe he was in training. That doesn't comfort me in the least seeing as how my getting to work at a semi-decent time is not a function of my understanding of his situation. It just means I don't get angry at him and laugh it off instead. As it turns out that was an important point of distinction today.
Lightning Strikes Twice
So I'm reading my book when I notice another cute girl who ran for the bus and was just getting on (she was probably thought he was leaving sometime that hour). She's all out of breath and flustered and decides to sit next to me of all people. I'm wearing a smile and looking out the window because there are more people running for the bus. The bus driver starts yelling at them to hurry up saying he can't wait all day. Riiight. I laugh and make some comment about the bus driver being lost, shyly directing it to the woman sitting next to me hoping that it will be enough to get her engaged in a conversation. She chuckles and says "Sometimes it's hard to wake up in the morning." while lightly laughing as a response to the bus driver's continued prodding of the late passengers.
So I ask, "Is that what happened to you this morning?" She's got a couple of lipsticks out and she's rifling through her purse. "Yeah" she says as she nods wearily. I close my book and say something like "Aww that sucks." and I think it's just gonna end there. I'm ready for that. I get nervous around cute women and freeze up so I just chill. The book stays closed though and that's really important I think. If you are actively engrossed in a book or have your headphones on, you are the reason no one is talking to you. I'm sure of that. It signals everyone around you to not bother you. There are very few people who will push through a barricade like that (reading isn't as bad as headphones though).
Finally the bus takes off. I'm sitting there with my book closed praying to god it doesn't all end here since my commitment to myself yesterday was to go for a longer talk today. Then she says something like "That's why it's great to not have a certain time to be at work." and I'm thiking "Awww yeah, here we go." I ask her what she does for a living and then we just talk the rest of the bus ride.Â
How much so? Well, I found out she lived in Florida, and in MA before coming to Seattle and that her Dad fly fishes. I learned she's a bank examiner, I learned what a bank examiner is. I also learned she enjoys keeping some plants at home and has no pets. Boyfriend? Not sure.. Flirtatious social skydiving isn't happening this month. Baby steps.
She asked about me, what I do, where I used to live, etc. It was a pretty solid talk. Ended well enough that if I do happen to see her around again it will be a no brainer to be able to just start talking to her.
When Does this get Hard?
Seriously. Where is the mass of rejections I've been so sure I was gonna see? I mean granted, I'm only two days in but I'm feeling pretty damn positive about the whole thing for being an introvert forcing himself to talk at length with strangers. That's not to say that it's easy. I could really use some work on really relating to other people and responding with more genuine probing questions but I mean, that'll get better with practice and overall it's positive so I'm not too worried about it.
After just two days I'm starting to view those crowds of people on the street in a completely different way. They're beginning to look more like person farms with a rich and diverse set of experiences and stories that are ripe to be harvested. Wouldn't you feel comfortable going up to an orange tree and giving some of the oranges a lil squeeze to see if it's ripe? Why not people? BTW, do NOT squeeze people you don't know! That is a metaphor. You squeeze many types of fruits to test if they're ripe, with people you make eye contact and say "Hi". People fruits that respond well to a strange person squeezing them are not the kind of fruits you want to be picking. Just trust me on that.
Anyway, this whole thing is getting addicting. I have rock climbing tonight so I'll be socializing a bit and will have a chance to talk to some more people maybe I can still succeed at doing something foolish. Then again, I'm starting to think that maybe, instead, I'll succeed at doing something that truly amazes me.
Posted via email from Social Skydiving with Justin
24.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
Seizing the Day
As I said yesterday, I planned to get my day’s goal of a single extroverted interaction done before getting to work. I thought it’d set a great tone for the day and I knew if I didn’t do it as soon as I possibly could I ran the risk of chickening out. It took me two tries but I finally had a fairly solid discussion. Walking out of my apartment I started getting a bit nervous. I was building up the whole event in my head examining different possibilities for the different kind of people i might run into and what I could talk to them about. “If it’s a guy, what do I say? I don’t like sports so right off the bat I’m at a disadvantage. Worst yet, what if it’s a woman? I may not have much in common with most men but I definitely can relate more to a guy than a woman. What if she thinks I’m flirting? What if she’s attractive and I am flirting, albeit, pathetically? What if it’s either gender and they just look at me like STFU? What if..?” Finally I caught myself stressing me out about it. Took a couple breaths to slow down my heart rate and relax. I was so afraid of failure that it was going to become crippling very soon. The great thing about failure is that it’s so relative. While I was pretty sure I would fail at entertaining or impressing someone I was pretty confident I could easily annoy or inconvenience someone. By flipping my motivation around I was able to turn something I couldn’t do, into something I could do. The real power of this technique is that my planned course of action remains constant, which is to say I don’t plan on intentionally annoying anyone. It’s a head trick to enable me to enjoy the outcome of this experiment no matter where my results fall in the continuum of possible outcomes (whether it be absolute rejection or a whole hearted welcoming). I do think I should work on a more positive way of viewing this but at the same time… if someone gets angry with me or mean for my being nice, I will kinda enjoy that I pissed them off. Pfft.
Baby Steps
By the time I’m done thinking through all of this I’m down the elevator and walking out of the parking garage heading towards my bus stop. I figure out a weak pre-canned conversation starter. I figure I’ll ask the person for the time/how long they’ve been waiting at the bus stop (I’ve got my phone but they don’t know that!). If they only respond with the time and don’t reciprocate the conversation I’m working my ass off for then I figure I’ll give a little explanation bout why I wanted to know. A guy at a bus stop was able to get a conversation going with me using this technique so I figured I’d try it out as well.
As I’m nearing the bus stop I see that there’s a guy sitting down and waiting already (the buses come so often there’s almost always someone waiting). I feel a sudden stab of nervousness as I walk past him to position myself to wait for the bus. I make eye contact with a smile and blurt out, “Hi.” He reciprocates. So far so good!
For you extroverts who might read this, I am completely aware of how sad it might seem that saying “Hi” is a personal accomplishment. Make no mistake about it, it is still a big deal for me. Some of you who know me might say, “Pshh, yah right. You’re always talkative and loud.” To you I respond, yes, with my friends or only with great effort. Anyway, I digress.
He says “Hi.” back in a friendly tone, though my heart is still palpitating I decide I can move on to the next phase. “So, how long you been waiting for the bus?”
“About like two minutes.” He says looking up at me from his seat on the bench. So I say “Oh ok cool, so it might be a few more minutes.” He’s distracted and trying to rifle through his backpack, gathering some pills. The conversation is dead… I’m letting the conversation die. This is too difficult. I need a give and take. Maybe once I get good at this stuff I can wring a convo out of someone but I don’t want that kind of challenge right now. Still, I’m proud of myself. I find myself thinking that I hope I get another good chance and that I didn’t blow my one opportunity to meet my goal.
A Kindred Spirit
By the time I find someone new to talk to, I’ve been on the bus for a few minutes reading my favorite new book “How to Prove It” (Seriously I’m loving this book). Anyway, so here I am reading, minding my own business when a woman sits next to me on the bus. I look up, give a quick smile and notice she’s got a 1st generation iPhone. Now I’ve got something I can talk about! All it takes is a slight bit of probing, “So you still have one of the first generation iPhones huh?” and she’s talking like a long lost friend. She was strangely receptive.
Once she pauses I give her a personal account of my experience with my new one. She rallies back with some more talk. The convo is wilting but I am ok with that. This is really as far as I was looking to go for the day and I even talked to two strangers. So I gave myself a break and let the conversation die.
Seriously, could it be that many people are this easy to talk to? I just have to show them I have a shared interest and I won’t be able to shut them up? This has put an idea, or a hypothesis if you will, into my mind. That societal introversion and giving off the sense of being off-putting may just be defense mechanisms for dealing with people rejecting you. I know it is for me. I mean there are some people on the bus I don’t want to talk to (like the guy who was acting like a werewolve hitting himself and his seat, or the guy who cornered me in front of an attractive chick and asked me if I thought she was cute with me blushing all the while, etc, etc, ET-frickin-CETER-weird-bus-riders-RA).
My biggest fear now is that I’ll become one of those weirdos on the bus who is all TOO comfortable talking to strangers. Acting himself a damn fool and not even realizing it. I guess as long as I’m self-conscious about it I don’t need to worry.
Where to from here?
Tomorrow, I need to do at least this good. It’s all about continuous improvement. Ideally, I’d like to have another conversation (a bit longer this time) and get to the point where first names are necessary. Realistically, that’s my goal for the week (including the weekend). I’ll keep writing daily, though probably not this long of a post since this has taken about an hour to write and I can’t imagine having the constitution to continue this given my current schedule, let alone once my classes start next week.
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more embarrassing for you.
Posted via web from Social Skydiving with Justin
23.Jun.09 Coding Comments (0)
